Leadership: how to assert yourself with confidence

Julia Milner , Professor

In this article, originally published in French in Harvard Business Review France, Julia Milner, Professor at EDHEC, explains the role that empathy and assertiveness can play in leadership, and the pitfalls to avoid!

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27 Aug 2024

When you raise the subject of empathy at work with leaders or managers, some express the fear of appearing vulnerable or think that showing emotions and demonstrating benevolence is a sign of weakness. It's true that as a leader, it's important to exude confidence. However, being able to show vulnerability, being empathetic and sharing your personal journey is actually the mark of strong leadership (’ The Power of Humility in Leadership: Influencing as a Role Model ’, by Franziska Frank, Taylor & Francis, 2023).

On a day-to-day basis, certain communication habits can reduce the impact of what we say. Leaders sometimes try to show kindness, avoid being too authoritarian and adapt their interactions accordingly, but the effect is not what was intended. In this case, managers and leaders need to identify the most common traps that can undermine trust, and into which it is easy to fall.

There's a difference between feeling confident in your role as a leader and giving the impression of being self-assured. Ideally, these two aspects should coincide, but this is not always the case. Developing self-confidence in a leadership position can take time, and that's perfectly normal. However, waiting until you're totally confident before taking action can hold you back in your initiatives and prevent you from gaining confidence as you go along (’Thinking, Fast and Slow’, by Daniel Kahneman, Penguin, 2012).

Sometimes the simple act of taking action creates a positive dynamic. Self-confidence is also a skill that can be worked on and developed with practice. The aim is not to become a talented actor, but rather to remain authentic and true to yourself. It is still important, however, to identify the elements (mentioned below) that could undermine your self-confidence.

The trap of excuses

Leaders and managers often tend to apologise, even when they don't have to. In reality, they often seek to express their gratitude to others for their understanding. The question is: is an apology really necessary in this situation, or would it be more appropriate to express gratitude?

Leaders generally have a busy schedule, which can lead them to respond to requests later than expected. In such cases, it's common to resort to excuses such as ‘Sorry...’, ‘I'm sorry’ or ‘Excuse me’. A much more appropriate and effective approach is to thank others for their understanding, using phrases such as ‘Thank you for your patience’ or ‘Thank you for...’.

The trap of apologising is a common one in oral and written communication, particularly in emails and instant messages, where we often find unnecessary ‘Sorry’ messages. It is therefore preferable for executives and managers to focus on expressing their gratitude rather than systematically apologising, in order to value the understanding and patience of those they are dealing with.

What's more, offering a sincere and genuine apology when a mistake has been made is a real challenge. Apologising appropriately is paramount - so leaders and organisations need to get better at expressing sincere apologies when things have gone wrong. However, be careful not to fall into the trap of excessive or unnecessary apologies.

Adam D. Galinsky, an American social psychologist, and Maurice E. Schweitzer and Alison Wood Brooks, researchers and professors of management at the Wharton School of Business, stress the importance of organisations and their leaders mastering the art of offering a sincere and effective apology when necessary and justified. This involves acknowledging mistakes, taking responsibility and proposing solutions to remedy the problems caused (’The Organizational Apology: A Step-by-Step Guide’, Harvard Business Review, 2015).

So be careful not to fall into the trap of making excuses. If you want to be more assertive, the first thing to do is to stop apologising unnecessarily.

The softener trap

Fabric softener can make clothes softer, but in our everyday communication, be careful not to fall into this trap. Excessive use of expressions such as ‘a little’, ‘maybe’ and ‘probably’ can weaken our arguments and reduce the impact of our ideas. It's not a question of adopting an arrogant attitude by claiming to have ‘the best idea ever’, but rather of expressing yourself with confidence and conviction.

A good technique for avoiding this trap is to ask a close friend or colleague for their opinion. This person can observe you and, if necessary, count the number of softeners that slip into your speech. Another method is to record yourself preparing a presentation or a team intervention. This will enable you to pay attention to the use of softeners and identify the situations in which you resort to them...